TIPS for PARENTING-APART

(Parenting After Separation or Divorce)©

by DAVID A. GIACALONE, J.D., Mediator

This monograph looks at how to "parent-apart" (to continue parenting after separation and divorce) in a way that is best for your child(ren). First, we look at the goal of creating a "businesslike" co-parent partnership after divorce or separation. Then, we outline specific do’s and don’ts for helping children cope and thrive when their parents are no longer a couple.

With divorce or separation (whether you were married or not), you stop being a couple, but your role as co-parents has to continue for your kids' sake. The courts, the caring professions, and common sense are all in agreement that it is in the best interest of children to have a meaningful relationship with each parent despite a separation or divorce. Only if there is a well-founded reason to fear that a relationship with a parent will jeopardize the physical or emotional welfare of the child, should contact with that parent be restricted, and then only to the extent necessary to safeguard the child's legitimate interests.

So, ending your relationship as a couple does not and cannot end your relationship as co-parents. You will need to find it within yourself to create and sustain a businesslike relationship with your "ex"--one that gets the job done of being co-parents, in order to give your child(ren) the benefits of having two separated but cooperative parents.

When everything in you wants to react in a very unbusinesslike manner to the "other" parent, you will need to remember that your child is the real loser if either of you prevents a quality relationship with both parents from continuing or developing after the household splits. Your child's welfare is the "carrot" that will hopefully make you put down your "stick" -- that is, make you choose to build a businesslike partnership with the other parent of your child(ren), rather than choosing to battle or banish that person. The inevitable thought that "You don't deserve to see these kids!" must be replaced with "These kids deserve to see you." And the urge to say "You never wanted to spend time with them before," needs an edit to "Thanks for giving the kids more of your time now when they need it."

Words and tone do count. You might start by using a neutral term to replace the rather negative sounding "ex" in referring to the other parent of your children. I like the acronym COPE, which stands for Child(ren)'s Other Parent--Estranged. Calling a separated co-parent your COPE just might help each estranged parent remember the goal of being partners in parenting -- coping together in the job of co-parenting after you stop being a couple.

Building a co-parent partnership takes work, but not miracles. Plenty of people put up with an awkward relationship in a business situation in order to achieve goals a lot less important than the emotional welfare of their children. Many partnerships, whether of lawyers, doctors or even comedy duos, are successful although the partners are far from being friends. For the sake of (and especially in front of) the clients, shareholders, or the public, hostile partners can and do behave with civility and cooperation to reach their common goal. Can't you do that for your children?

The loss of full control over your child that is implicit in a parent partnership is not so hard to take when you understand it is needed to achieve a bigger goal. In fact, abandoning the zero-sum game that says "I lose whenever you win" allows parents to see that they both win when the children win by having two involved parents. Pretty soon you might even see that sharing parenting time and responsibility has rewards for you, too -- from more time for yourself (like the bliss of grocery shopping alone) to less pressure to make and take full responsibility for all decisions. So, don't be too skeptical about achieving the state of polite civility and practical cooperation called for in a "businesslike" co-parenting relationship. People less reasonable than yourself have made parenting-apart relationships work.

Attorney and psychologist Harriet Whitman Lee, of Family Law Counseling Services, Berkeley, Calif., formulated the following guidelines to help keep your parenting partnership on the track to success. If you disagree with any of the concepts, ask yourself if it is the ex-lover or the co-parent in you that is disagreeing -- that is, whether you're looking at it from the perspective of your own unsuccessful relationship with the other person or from that of your child(ren)'s life-long relationship with him or her.

Guidelines for a Parenting-Apart Partnership

A. Make a conscious decision to create a successful partnership to achieve your mutual parenting goals.

B. Be business-like with your Children’s Other Parent (your COPE). Test all of your behavior against this standard: Was I businesslike? Test your COPE's behavior by the same standard, not by how you feel.

C. Respect your child(ren)'s relationship with your COPE.

D. Make appointments to talk about business. Except for emergencies, call only during business hours or during agreed upon times; always ask if the timing is convenient and, if it isn't, make an appointment for a time that is.

E. Be polite. Don't use bad language or name call. If you feel yourself getting unbusinesslike, say so and agree to talk at another time.

F. Give the benefit of the doubt. Do not assume anything about your COPE’s reasons or decisions based on past experience.

G. Do not expect approval (get your needs fulfilled elsewhere), but do acknowledge positive words or deeds of your partner.

H. Respect your COPE’s privacy. Do not discuss matters irrelevant to the parenting business unless your partner specifically agrees to do so. Don't seek to know the details of his or her life or intrude on his or her territory.

I. Make all agreements explicit and communicate directly. Follow up with written confirmation when possible (or make your own written memorandum). Be clear and complete in your communications (e.g., time, place; who supplies what).

J. Keep agreements. Do not break appointments. If you can't promise something, make that clear and explain why you can't.

K. Consult with your partner and the children so that the best, most workable decision can be made. Do not make unilateral decisions on issues that should include your partner.

L. Don't insist on what does not work. Be flexible; commit yourself as much as you are able to and experiment to see what does work.

M. Above all, cultivate good will in the partnership. Keep in mind always the importance of the investment and the expected returns.

Achieving the above goals will take real work. An occasional misstep won't mean bad faith, just that you or your COPE is human. Staying angry wastes too much time and energy and hurts everyone. Cooperating in the business of parenting will make a better post-separation life for your children and yourself.

Of course, nothing we do will prevent children from hurting when their parents split up. But, the experts all agree that the way you split -- that is, the level of hostility you create and maintain and the kind of relationship each child is allowed to have with each parent -- will greatly determine the extent of the damage to the children of "broken families." Experience with millions of the children of divorce has yielded a wealth of information about parting-apart in a manner that is best for your children.

As discussed above, the most successful way to parent-apart is to form a business-like partnership with your COPE (your Child’s Other Parent-Estranged). There are no easy rules on how to succeed in this awkward new relationship. Unfortunately, children experiencing the break-up of their family unit don't have the time to wait for their parents' wounds to heal fully and scars to fade. More than ever, they need the reassurance that both parents love them and are really there for them; and they need to know what to expect from each parent and that it is okay to love each parent.

No matter what their ages, children have certain fundamental needs from the time their parents first separate: (a) Children need to be reassured that both parents love them and will continue to be part of their lives and that it is okay to love both parents; that the split is not their fault and that nothing they can do will change their parents' decision.

(b) Children greatly need a significant relationship, with as much certainty and routine as possible, with the absent or non-custodial parent. This is true no matter the quality of their relationship with the non-custodial parent prior to the breadup.

(c) Children need freedom from hearing one parent demean or badmouth the other. It hurts a child greatly to hear one beloved parent say or suggest that the other beloved parents is evil or flawed.

(d) Children need information, given in a panic-free, assured tone, about what is happening, who will take care of them, and what to expect. And they need reassurances that the financial and emotional setbacks will be overcome and things will settle down again within the readjusted family. You are not doing your children a favor by avoiding these topics in order to "spare" them from the reality of your split. You will, however, help them greatly if you stay composed and act optimistic -- they do not need a panicked captain at a time their ship hits an iceberg.

(e) Children need to have their feelings (e.g., anger, anxiety, sadness, confusion) and those of their parents acknowledged. And they need to learn and see the very important lesson that life goes on, and can still be filled with love and joys, despite setbacks.

(f) Children need to have clear evidence that the parents are still in charge and that attempts to manipulate the parents will not be accepted. Some parents, out of guilt or compassion, try to make up for the bad aspects of a divorce by relaxing rules, weakening discipline, eliminating chores, or overindulging in gifts. Children do better, however, if normal routines and expectations are continued. No matter what they say or do, children are too smart to equate permissiveness with love and compassion.

(g) Children need to be allowed to get on with being kids It is not their job to try to solve their parents’ problems or to care for hurting parents. Their job is to do kid-things: play, grow, make friends, enjoy sports and hobbies, while being active and responsible students (and helping around the house!).

Of course, these guidelines and principles can and should be followed after the initial stages of a parental break-up. Children need to know that, though their family may be restructured, their needs will be taken care of and their need to love both parents will be honored.

On a day to day basis, the children of divorced or separated parents must be kept out of the middle of their parents’ problems and disputes. The Children in the Middle program developed by pyschologists at the non-profit Center for Divorce Education in Athens, Ohio, highlights four situations that are particularly distressing for kids and should be avoided by separated parents:

• Carrying Messages Between Parents. Parents must take the responsibility to talk directly with each other, especially if the topic is likely to anger the other parent or catch the child between loyalties and desires. It is unfair to make your child carry messages to your "ex" because you find it too awkward or aggravating to do so yourself. It is also poor parenting to show by example to your child that you can resolve a problem with another person by not communicating or to suggest to a child that the other parent is such a monster that you cannot speak or be civil with each other.

• Dealing with Money Issues. Who will pay for what and how available money should be spent are adult issues that the parents must discuss directly. Do not put your child(ren) in the middle of your child support disputes.

• Criticisms of the Other Parent. Even if you are sure you’re right, try to avoid criticizing your COPE to or around the kids, and try to find good things to say about the other parent. It hurts a child very much to hear one loved parent criticize the other loved parent. And,

• Quizzing Children About the Other Parent. It is inappropriate to ask children about the personal and private matters of their other parent -- such as finances or dating. You can, of course, show a natural interest in what your kids do in your COPE’s home, but do not turn them into spies reporting on the shortcomings of their other parent. The line is hard to define, but in your heart you can feel the difference between healthy interest in your kids and negative snooping.

Children in the Middle also points out three other practices by separated parents that kids say are especially distressing: (a) Playing one child off against the other, and punishing a child who seems to care more about the other parent; (b) complaining to your child about how lonely you are after the separation -- this makes a child feel guilty and sad and want to "parent" you; and (c) threatening to cut off contact with the children if the other parent doesn’t do or stop doing something -- the kids hear these threats and fear more loss in their lives. Such conduct hurts your kids and must not be continued.

In her very helpful and thorough book, Mom's House, Dad's House, author Isolina Ricci, PhD, proclaims A New Family Bill of Rights that should be adopted by all divorced or separated families. Dr. Ricci’s rules and principles can be distilled into the following guidelines:

A Bill Of Rights for Families-Apart

1. Each child has the right to an independent and meaningful relationship with each parent.

2. Each child has the right to be free from listening to or being a part of parents' personal battles. Neither parent uses the child as a go-between or uses the time spent with the other parent as a threat or bargaining chip.

3. Each parent has the right and responsibility to contribute to the raising of his or her child(ren).

4. Each parent has the right, during time spent with the children, to follow his or her own standards, beliefs, or style of child-raising without unreasonable interference from the other parent.

5. Each parent has the right to his or her own private life and territory.

6. Each parent and child have the right to call themselves families no matter how the children's time is divided.

The greatest gift we can give the children of divorced or separated parents is the freedom to love both parents. Parenting-apart is not easy. But it can be done successfully if you use the standard of businesslike conduct and cooperation -- and, if you respect your kids’ relationship with their other parent.

[David A Giacalone, JD, is the director of Project PAX

(The Parenting-Apart eXchange) in Scotia,NY. He has served as Law Guardian for hundreds of children whose parents live apart, and has been a divorce mediator since 1987. He created and presents the divorce education seminar, esp/PA X--education for separated parents.]