GOOD GRIEF:

Breaking Up is Hard (Work) to Do [©’97]

by David A. Giacalone, JD, Mediator

for Project PAX: the Parenting-Apart eXchange

No one knows exactly how you feel about breaking up with your child(ren)’s other parent, who we will call your COPE. But, tens of millions of people in this country have gone through major romantic break-ups (i.e., divorce, separation, ending cohabitation), just since you and I were born. And the "experts" who work with individuals or couples going through the un-coupling process have seen clear patterns in the emotional responses of both of the partners when a couple separates.

Although we don't know just what you are feeling today, or felt yesterday, or will feel tomorrow, we do have a pretty good general idea about the emotions, problems and stresses that you are likely to have felt and to be feeling over the entire process of separating and restructuring your life. This understanding of the emotional separation process means at least two bits of good news: (1) although you, your COPE, and your relationship are unique, you are not alone in the experience of un-coupling; and (2) from the patterns and experience of others, we have found some answers about how to get through the process in a healthy way, ready for a new life, and maybe even better off than before your unsuccessful relationship ended.

that’s why they call it "crazy time"

Abigail Trafford was right to call her helpful book about divorcing Crazy Time. With divorce, and with the other forms of un-coupling, there are feelings of sadness, anger and fear. That happens whether you are the one who "wants" to end the relationship or not. In the beginning, there is almost always a period of intense confusion, in which you feel totally out of control of your life and your emotions, and you doubt your sanity. The question is not whether you will experience this crazy time while un-coupling from a significant relationship, but how you are going to get through it.

• point to remember: "crazy time" is normal

• another point: almost everybody survives

grief is not just about death

Yes, un-coupling is dizzying and crazy-making, and seems to make no sense while we are experiencing it. Luckily, caring professionals and "survivors" have been able to examine divorcing from a safer, neutral position and to make sense of the process as they see it happening to others. One very important insight that has helped us understand the un-coupling process is the realization that divorce and similar break-ups involve major "losses" on many levels. These losses trigger the grief process within both members of a separating couple -- similar to the grieving and mourning that happens when we lose a loved one through death.

The many losses in divorce and un-coupling:

You surely have your own list of losses, but the most frequently felt and mentioned ones include:

emotional: loss of intimacy with a significant loved one; loss of your dreams and hopes as a couple; loss of your self-image, self-esteem and self-confidence

parental: loss of the vision and reality of jointly raising children (sharing tasks, helping, planning together); loss of time spent with children, and of spontaneity; loss of sharing in both every-day events and special events with your children

social: loss or change of relationship with some mutual friends, and with in-laws; loss of fitting in with couples; a loss of social status

financial: loss of security; end to sharing expenses (at a time of increased expense of setting up another household); often significant reduction in disposable income (money left over after all bills, obligations are met); loss of planning and preparing together for future financial needs

physical: change of residence, neighborhood; loss of security of having another adult under your roof

practical: loss of principal helpmate for all the big and little things that need to be done

ritual: loss of familiar, treasured celebrations of holidays, family, cultural and religious events

sexual: sex life ended or new and scary

No wonder you feel shell-shocked and bowled over by the un-coupling process: it really does shake up your world. The catalog of losses that occur in divorcing is in many ways similar to the loss from having your beloved die. It is certainly similar in magnitude to dealing with the death of a loved one. Plus, there are some differences that actually can make the impact worse -- like not accepting the finality (which is rather obvious with death), and hoping to revive the relationship; or still having to see or deal with the person; or feelings of blame, inadequacy or responsibility for the death of the relationship.

So, it is not surprising that a grieving process is needed, just as it is with the death of a loved one, to help us through the losses of divorcing or un-coupling. Most experts on grieving have concluded that there are five normal stages in the grief process -- five stages that the griever must go through in order to deal well psychologically with the loss and truly recover from it. The five stages of grieving also appear to be normal in the divorcing or un-coupling process:

1. denial: A refusal to believe or recognize that the relationship has really ended. This is a defense mechanism to try to deal with the shock of the spearation and loss -- you think "it’s not happening, I don’t have to panic or feel the pain."

2. anger: This is resentment or blame aimed at your partner. It is a reaction to the feeling of hurt and to the pain and fear that the loss of the intimate relationship brings. At first, it is an absolutely necessary part of the recovery process -- it temporarily helps you to deal with your frustration, hurt and hostility; and (along with the pain) it can help you to make the emotional break from your loved one by weakening the bonds of attachment and affection.

3. bargaining: This is an attempt to postpone the end of the relationship, by offering to change your ways in order to get your loved one to change his or her mind and return or stay. It is a defense mechanism that allows you to reduce your fear and pain by making believe the relationship is not over.

4. depression: This great sadness is a mourning period that comes about when you stop denying the end of the relationship and realize it is really over and can’t be undone. It is normal and necessary to feel this sadness, to let yourself cry, and to regret your losses and your role in the break-up.

5. acceptance: This last stage is the goal of the grief process -- a peaceable understanding that you must and can get on with your new, restructured life. Acceptance of the reality that you are no longer a couple, and that you have worth and hope outside of the relationship, is the groundwork for regaining your sense of security and preparing to thrive in your new state of life.

point to remember: you must go through the other stages to get to the acceptance stage; but, you won’t reach this stage if you allow yourself to be stuck in any earlier stage.

Knowing that there are stages that are necessary in grieving the end of the relationship won’t make the process easy -- but, understanding your feelings and your COPE’s feelings should make it a little easier to live through it, to have faith that things will get better, and to heal. Making sense of the craziness and sadness, the fear and anger, should help keep you on track toward the goal of emerging as a "single" person who feels complete in himself or herself, who is strengthened from the struggle of the grief process, and who is therefore better able than ever to live fully, including (when you are ready) to find intimacy again in a healthy new relationship.

one catch: the stages can overlap, flip-flop & zig-zag

Of course, labeling the process isn’t the same as living it. And one point you should not miss is that what the experts call "stages" are not rigid and clear-cut. They are more liquid than solid, more like phases than separate stages -- and they can phase in and out, flip-flop and zig-zag on you. That means that in some encounters or on some days, you may find yourself or your COPE back in a stage you thought had been left for good (like anger or depression). What you should find, though, as you make your journey through grief, is that you feel more and more like you are on a train heading for a destination, and not on a roller coaster or merry-go-round; more like you are the driver, and not just being dragged along for the ride. You should also find that you are less afraid of your feelings, and more able to live in the present and plan for the future, rather than dwell in and on the past.

catch number two: you and your COPE are very unlikely to be in

the same phase at the same time

Even armed with your grief stages chart, it is usually very hard to understand your COPE’s reaction to the un-coupling process. One big reason for this is that it is highly unlikely that both members of a separating couple will be in the same grief stage at the same time. That is because, in most cases, one partner has been thinking about breaking up for a long time before the subject even comes up or a decision to leave is made. So, the initiator or Leaver (who does not have to physically leave, but who is the first to decide that the relationship is really over) is very likely to have gone through a number of stages of grief before sharing the decision with the Leavee. This means that at the time the decision to leave or un-couple is first announced, the person being left behind is often more emotional (like angry and panicked) and less ready for change. And the Leaver is more likely to accept some of the blame for the failure, feel relieved, and be ready to move on.

For example: A spouse may have already spent years deciding to leave a marriage. She might have gone through denial over the condition of the relationship years ago; she might have tried bargaining to save the marriage for several years; she might have spent a long time dealing with anger and depression over the failed relationship; and, having finally decided that the marriage has no future and must end, she might have planned for the divorce financially, made the emotional detachment, and restructured her life in many ways, before she informs her spouse that she wants a divorce. When he gets the news, however, her spouse may be in total shock. To him, she seems cold, calculating and uncaring beyond belief. Her unwillingness to bargain -- or even to cry or get angry and "act like she cares" -- may infuriate him.

Many times in mediation, I’ve heard the one left behind say, "How can my spouse care so little and be so cold?" While the one who decides to leave says, "Why didn’t my spouse notice my pain and see this coming? Why be so mad now after being unwilling to work to save this relationship the past few years?"

Often, then, each spouse is surprised by the other’s reaction to the separation decision, and the surprise makes each feel like the other partner is not acting in good faith. This greatly increases the chances that one or the other partner will, at least at first, over-react with anger and blaming (and lawyers!). It is less likely that he or she will be willing and able to think about acting fairly or seeking the best interests of the children as the process of separation unfolds.

According to the Divorce Research Center of Flushing, NY, the differences between the Leaver and Leavee make their needs very different and make communication very difficult:

The Leaver: chooses to leave; moves through the grieving process at his or her own pace; makes the decision to leave and so is in control; has usually thought through lots of the practical and financial problems of splitting; may still care about the partner or feel guilty about the pain that is being caused for the partner (and the children), and/or may emotionally need to justify the decision to leave by criticizing the partner.

The Leavee: is excluded from the decision to separate (and maybe from opportunities to save the relationship) and the chance to prepare for the separation; has little control over what is happening; is struggling with disbelief, anger, depression at the very time he or she must be dealing with many important and practical decisions and actions; and often has lowered self-esteem and feelings of inadequacies due to being left behind.

different stages, similar pain

On the other hand, realizing that your partner may be (or may have been) in a different stage of the grieving process should help a separated couple better understand each other’s needs and actions, and eventually trust each other more, communicate better, and treat each other with more respect. Un-coupling hurts both the Leaver and the Leavee. The level of turmoil and pain is almost always very similar for each partner -- but it may be played out in different time spans or shown in different ways. No one can have a relationhip end that was hoped to last a lifetime without great sadness and regret.

big problem: getting stuck in an early grief stage

The biggest barrier to grieving the end of a relationship successfully is getting stuck in one of the stages, so that the acceptance stage is never reached and there is no emotional divorce. When this happens, un-coupling never becomes the beginning of a new life, it stays the hurtful failure of an old relationship. Here are some of the "stickiest" situations:

Stuck in Denial. Denial has its place for a short time at the start of the break-up -- it helps numb the pain while you deal with the first shock and all the practical issues of separating two entangled lives. But, it soon becomes dangerous to your health and welfare. Refusal to acknowledge the reality of the end to your relationship, especially trying to numb the pain with alcohol or other drugs, can mean that you are not making decisions and taking actions necessary for your own well-being (financial, legal, emotional, etc.) and that of your children. It surely means that you are not experiencing the full pain that reflects your true hurt (like the pain after breaking a leg or having surgery), so that you can eventually heal. You must feel the pain in order to move to the other stages and heal. As when the baby touches a hot stove, pain is like a warning signal or advisor; it says, "This hurts, so stop it, protect yourself." If you let yourself feel the pain, it will run its course, allowing you to break the bonds of affection with your COPE, and eventually heal and become stronger.

To avoid being stuck in the mud of denial: Do not numb yourself -- with alcohol, other drugs, or sex. Do not look for false signs that your COPE is changing his or her mind -- like assuming that every time he or she acts in a caring or respectful way that you can be a couple again. Don't try to make everything look "normal" by play-acting family scenes with the children and your COPE (like picnics or vacations, or celebrating holidays together). That creates a false hope that is unfair to you and the children. Be willing to accept reality. Let yourself feel the pain, and tell yourself that you are strong enough to survive and thrive without being a couple with your COPE. (Saying it helps make it happen.)

Stuck in Anger. We have all seen divorcing friends stuck at the anger stage; it is not a pretty sight. It is easy to get stuck in anger. Anger is our mind’s reaction to fear and hurt. There is so much fearful change and so much hurt when separating, that anger is a natural reaction. But, anger is a choice: you choose to be angry, the other person does not make you angry.

Choosing to be angry when first facing separation or divorce can be helpful -- it can energize you and help you feel that you have some control; it can give you the will to stand up for your rights and stop being a victim; and it can help make the emotional break from your former beloved. Too many people stay angry when it is no longer helpful, however, because anger feels like you are "doing" something and are in control, especially compared to feeling pain and depression. But, as millions of warring couples have shown, the feeling of accomplishment is deceptive: choosing to abuse the drug of anger solves nothing; it turns you into a bitter (and boring) person; it causes poor judgment and decisions; it leads to uncontrollable conflict; and it really hurts your kids.

To avoid being addicted to anger: Choose not to be angry or choose to use your anger constructively -- i.e., to energize yourself to protect important rights or protect your kids. Choose to be amused (or at least bemused) by the antics of your COPE: tell yourself, "I can’t believe my COPE still thinks pushing my buttons will work to make me angry; my COPE doesn’t have that power over me any more." Choose to stop blaming your COPE for the break-up (even if your COPE was mainly to blame) and for every thing that has gone wrong since the break-up. And choose to react as you would in a business situation, with your boss or partner or with a shop clerk, when your COPE does something that might make you angry.

Stuck in the Bargaining Stage. Psychologist and author Shirley Thomas says that "Bargaining is the trickiest, most subtle grief reaction, and it can be the most troublesome of all." Bargaining (promising to act differently if your partner will come back) is a defensive tactic to avoid facing the pain of losing your relationship. The bargaining tactic only makes sense if your COPE has said that the relationship could be saved if you change. Once your COPE is clear that the decision is final, bargaining is just a sad way to delay the pain.

Unfortunately, some spouses or lovers encourage their COPE to stay in the bargaining stage. They make wishy-washy statements and suggest the possibility of getting back together, when they know their decision is final. Spouses who do this (whether because they want to soften the blow, or avoid seeming like the bad guy, or just don’t have the courage to be truthful) do great harm to their COPE and their children.

The Bargainer who continues to use offers to change or gifts and promises to try to bring their COPE back is playing a losing game. Perhaps the most worrisome is the Bargainer who uses threats, dirty tricks or punishment to try to force the COPE to return. This kind of Bargainer is using negative intimacy to stay connected and keep the relationship alive. As Dr. Thomas has written:

Former lovers who continue a relationship with negative intimacy behave as though they have a right to keep on as key players in each other’s lives, although they really don’t. They try to control each other in a variety of unpleasant ways, making passionate contact when they know they should stay away. They may spy on one another, call in the middle of the night, or give outright threats and ultimatums. Some of you may recognize the dynamic of negative intimacy characterizing your own relationship and separation. . . For the sake of the children you love, you should resist this pattern. . . . Negative intimacy especially prevents you from resolving your grief and getting on with your future.

The ugliest situations that I have seen as law guardian, in custody and visitation disputes and family offense cases, have involved the long-term vendettas, nastiness and possessiveness of negative intimacy -- the failure to have a clean break emotionally. The result is misery and pain for everyone, and especially the children, who will often turn against the bitter parent eventually.

point to remember: when your COPE ends the relationship, you no longer have the right to be a major part in his or her life, except as co-parent to your child(ren).

To avoid being stuck in the Bargaining stage: Really listen to your COPE. If it is over, let it be over. Don't think your COPE might come back because he or she is polite to you. Ask yourself what advice you would give to a friend who kept begging or making threats to try to revive a dead relationship (You’d probably say, "You deserve to be with someone who wants you," or "Have some dignity!"). If you are the object of unwanted or unrealistic bargaining, do not give your COPE false hope and wishy-washy statements of your intentions -- be civil, but be clear and consistent that you are no longer a couple. Above all, do not continue sexual intimacy (even on birthdays and holidays) once you have decided that the relationship is over.

Stuck in Depression. We really do feel intensely sad during the un-coupling process, and this sadness can stay with us to some degree literally for years. The sadness is a necessary part of grieving. But some people can get "clinically" depressed -- their sadness and depression lasts too longs and greatly interferes with their ability to function in daily life; they have no energy and they lose all interest in once pleasant activities. Mental health professionals can help you deal with and get out of such severe depression. You owe it to yourself to get help if depression is interfering with your life and obligations over many weeks and months. There is no shame in seeking help. In fact, especially if you have children who need you to be functioning and sensitive to their needs, the shame is in being too proud to seek such help.

grief work is hard work

Working through the grief process in un-coupling is definitely hard work. No one has easy answers or magic pills for you. How long the process takes depends mostly on how you are able to adjust to change and to handle negative feelings. Attorney and mediator Ed Sherman puts it this way: "How you go through your divorce is an expression of who you are. They way you deal with your problems will also determine who you will be when the divorce is long over and done with . . . You are creating your own future with every thought, word, and act."

As a parent, you have the highest motivation of all to be and become the best person you can during the separation process: how you handle un-coupling and grieving will directly affect how your child gets through his or her own grief over the loss of living with both parents. If anger, blaming or feeling wronged becomes your constant attitude and reaction, neither you nor your child will be able to heal. You must accept the reality of the end, allow yourself to feel the pain and the loss, and then focus on making life better in the present and future. The sooner you do that, the sooner your child(ren) will adjust to the restructured family and begin to be healthy and happy again. So, get on with the hard work; it’s worth the pain and the effort.

quick summary: recognize your loss and your part of the blame; let yourself grieve and feel your pain; accept your worth and your strength as a single person -- and you and your child(ren) will survive and be ready to thrive after separation or divorce.